Dear Luv Doc,
My girlfriend doesn’t respect my opinion. I know I’m partly to blame for this situation because when we first started dating I thought it was cute when she argued with me about my choice of clothes or the foods I like, or of the beer I drink…or pretty much nothing. I knew things were bad when about a month ago we had an hour-long argument over my belief that Hannah Gadsby wasn’t that funny. Then last night we were sitting on my couch watching spirit hunter and my cat had been staring at the same spot on my wall for a long time so I paused the TV to see what was going on and we could hear little scratching noises inside the wall. My girlfriend said, “You have ghosts!” and I said “It’s probably a rat”, because my cat has already killed at least one rat in my house, but she insisted that I had a ghost and said that we had to go to her house to spend the night. We argued about it for 30 minutes and then she got mad and left to go back to her apartment. I don’t know if she was serious about the ghost but either way I wasn’t going to give in because if I did we’d end up sleeping at her house every night and she has a very small apartment downtown . So what do I do? Admit I have a ghost in my house to make peace, or hold on and hope she comes back?
– Doesn’t believe in ghosts
Listen, I’ll be the first to admit that Gadsby is a bit of a slow burn, and that mental illness, family dysfunction, and autism don’t always yield the comedy treasure trove we’ve come to expect, but make no mistake. no, she’s funny. She may not be funny to you, though, and that’s perfectly okay. Jay Leno hosted The show tonight for 17 years. Seventeen years. The only way that even remotely seems possible is for Jay Leno to somehow have a graphic porn video involving a room full of naked, Vaseline-lubed NBC executives squirrels in a vault in Caymans. If that’s really the case, you kind of have to admire his opportunistic courage, don’t you? I’m not sure Gadsby wants it that badly, and that’s part of his charm. She does a really good job of selling that IDGAF vibe. Leno, on the other hand, oozes despair from his pores. I bet his whole collection of classic cars smells like sweat. It’s a shame Jeffrey Epstein never thought of having his own late-night talk show. It could have been a game changer. Sure, Ghislaine Maxwell isn’t Ed McMahon, but I guess if she and Jeff had chatted, it would have been a very entertaining bloodbath — much like Ricky Gervais hosting the Golden Globes.
You’re not wrong about the ghost, though. Well, at least you’re not entirely wrong. I’m no paranormal behavior expert, but just about every paranormal behavior I’ve witnessed involved cats. Here’s how you know you’ve gone fucking crazy cat: when everything you see a cat doing seems normal. Yes, I know people who are already Toxoplasma gondii meat puppets think cats are adorable, but imagine if a human being – say, your roommate – randomly jumped into your lap and stuck his bare asshole in your nose, placed a dead rat at your feet, threw furballs at your carpet, or randomly landed in front of you and started licking up their bric-a-brac while occasionally stopping to look you straight in the eye. Yeah, don’t even pretend you’re not trying to get that security deposit back.
What I’m saying is it doesn’t matter that cats can see ghosts. Damn they probably can as far as we know, but the thought that cats can see ghosts isn’t as scary as the thought that your cat just waits until you die so it can eat your corpse for a few weeks. If ghosts really exist, they are undoubtedly terrified of cats. Can you imagine being a newly created ghost and having to hang around and watch your cat eat your corpse? Shit.
You are right though. The most likely scenario is that you have a rat… well, actually, no one ever has just “a rat”, just like no one ever has just “a ghost”. If ghosts really exist, there are easily billions of them circling around us all the time. I’m not even going to try to calculate the number of rat ghosts, but given that a typical female rat gives birth to six litters per year at around 5-10 pups per pop, we can assume that the spirit world is basically a sea of rat ghosts. If cats got upset about rat ghosts, they would literally never calm down, and we all know cats can be cool as shit, so chances are your cat is focusing on rats alive – the ones in your wall – and probably thinking, “These little guys are small enough that I can kill them myself instead of waiting for them to die like those big guys over there arguing on the couch. “
So here’s my advice: Hold on tight. Insist that there are rats in your walls, then hire someone to kill them to prove your point. Habeas rat corpus, if you will. If that doesn’t earn your girlfriend respect, I doubt anything will, then you should probably ghost her.